Not just another ordinary day

Days 40-59: April 22 to May 11

Nothing big happened in this big void of time since my last update. I had a few great days. Lots of good days. Some really, really shit days. I hit walls. Accomplished things. Cried (a lot). Laughed (a lot). Watched movies (a lot). But it’s the same. The same feeling of endlessness. A new creeping feeling of unease about NOT being in this bubble forever. A feeling I didn’t expect. I miss the old life but I’m scared of the in-between life ahead. I’m tired of the news but I can’t escape it. I’m exhausted by technology. I got out my grandmother’s “Made in West Germany”-era sewing machine yesterday to escape back to analog. I feel at ease when there is nothing on the schedule. I feel terrified for the days when it fills up again. The competing feelings are exhausting.

But there is also lots getting me through. Like weekends with fresh air. A new-to-us trampoline. A new puppy next door. Fresh eggs. Seedlings growing in my windowsill. Fox and wild turkey spottings. So much damn baking. Endlessly taking photos (though not as voraciously as at the beginning). And not beating myself up for not getting a list of things done. That, it seems, might be the biggest win of all.

Days 38-39: Monday, April 20 - Tuesday, April 21

Nothing to report, really. What feels completely abnormal is starting to feel….normal.

The Weekend Edition // Days 35-37: April 17-19

Three days of normal-feeling isolation. Baking. Movies. Bike riding. Sibling fights. Setting it right. Home again. The cycle. Cycle. Cycle.

Day 34: Thursday, April 16

It snowed today. I blamed COVID. It was one of those days where I looked outside ALL day and didn’t actually get out until 5pm. Where I felt like I was a terrible mother and a terrible employee. Where I had all the time and yet none at all. These days come, I’ve learned. Tomorrow will be a new day. One with hopefully longer patience levels, bigger hearts for tolerance, deeper pockets of patience. It’s becoming easy to feel like this is normal. And I sometimes can’t tell how I really feel about things anymore.

Days 32 & 33: Tuesday, April 14 & Wednesday, April 15

Today was the first day I’ve said, “wow, this week is going by fast” in MONTHS. These past two days have been good. Calm, manageable, fun even. But the cracks of this pandemic are starting to show. Criticisms of response. Provincial, federal, global finger pointing. Who ACTUALLY withdraws their funding of the World Health Org in the MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC?! I felt like we had about two weeks of a strange quiet blanket of sad-but-all-together bliss draped over the world. But that blanket is slipping. And while I guess I knew it would come, I’m sad that now it feels like we’re surrounded by a virus we can’t conquer and angry drivel to just be…angry. Pray for us.

Day 31: Monday, April 13

For the first day in 31 days, I didn’t take a single photo. It was a hard day. Blustery - outside and in. Like the swirling winds of all of this were colliding into a day that just wasn’t meant to be. We all struggled through it. An hour-long sweat at the very end was the only balm that soothed, but it soothed (thank you, Saor Studio!) and I’m ready for tomorrow.

Days 27-30: LONG Weekend Easter Edition: Thursday, April 9 - Sunday, April 12

We made split pea soup from a frozen chunk of our 2019 Easter ham. Yes. Wartime measures in effect RIGHT HERE. Another weekend (our ninth since 2020 started) at the farm and living in our usual isolated state, hopped up on movies, fires, baked goods and crafts. Learned to make an Ojo de Dios this weekend. Because I need more crafts. Norah and I made meringues and indulged in real-whipped-cream mini pavlovas for dessert. Watched The Neverending Story and realized that sometimes my 1980s brain doesn’t quite match up with my 2020 brain. WEIRD STUFF in there (but so good) :) Lots of vinyl. Wild turkeys. More crafts. And the big egg hunt.

Days 25-26: Tuesday, April 7 & Wednesday, April 8

My dreams have been deep. Wild and seemingly unrelated to anything, colourful, escapism dreams. I’m completely elsewhere when my eyes close and maybe that’s my inner self telling me, ‘hey, it’s ok. I know you need a break. here we go.” I feel a little more settled this week. Like we know how each day will unfold and we’ll be ok with what gets done (or not). That the news is more predictable. That we know how to tune it out (and in, when needed). I’ve never lived through so many stories of compassion; never seem so many helpers; never felt so much hope, despite the situation. The whole messed up world is clearing the air; I so hope some of it sticks.

Day 24: Monday, April 6

Friends on the frontline. Family stretched thin.

Neighbours close, but still feel so far.

Empty streets. Quiet skies.

Eerie signs. Spying eyes.

We’re going to have unlearn all this and I fear it will take far longer to do that than it did to fall in line in the first place.

Days 21-23: Weekend Edition // Friday, April 3 to Sunday, April 5

Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue

Days 19-20: Wednesday, April 1 & Thursday, April 2

A good day. A so-so day. The weather has been SO nice these last few days and it’s going to get harder and harder to enjoy it. The greatest restraint is ahead. Mayor Tory introduced stricter measures these last two days, and now people can get fined $5000 for standing less than 2 metres apart. That’s the world we live in right now. One million cases. Fear and hope in Toronto. Everywhere. But I also felt the tiniest little bit of a routine forming today. Or maybe that feeling was acceptance. Or maybe it was giving myself over to NOT worrying over every little thing. In related news: we didn’t have cake today (first time in almost two weeks). I’m not sure if that’s a victory or a complete and utter fail.

Day 18: Tuesday, March 31

The last day of our first month of this. And it was a good day (because they aren’t all). The kids were up for doing stuff. Entertaining themselves when it was needed. Delivering porch drop offs of country eggs to neighbours. I’m getting a better handle on reading + digesting too much news (as in: I’m just not nearly as much). We made amazing pizza (thx for the dough recipe, Half Baked Harvest!) and had a movie + dinner night with Sister Act. Even if tomorrow is hard, today was really good. xx

Day 17: Monday, March 30

A dreary Monday and one that felt the most Groundhog Day-ish of all, I think. These walls. Just us. It’s ALL THE SAME. But we did have “visitors” — Mom, Sarah and the kids came over and we hung out 15 feet apart. Family with a restraining order. The whole world is under a restraining order. But we still had tacos (hello, never miss a Mexican Monday). I worked out HARD. Kids argued but also played together. The world feels so tiny right now.

Days 14-16: Weekend Edition // Friday, March 27 to Sunday, March 29

My birthday weekend! PARTY! Of four (five with the dog). That’s it, this year. But it was the most cut off I’ve felt in weeks (in a good way). We watched movies (Field of Dreams, among them), watched Jack Johnson’s live-at-home concert, ate delicious meals, picked up eggs (at a distance) from our touchless local farmer, walked outside, crafted and stayed in our PJs til noon. Perfect. Disconnected. Staying healthy and doing what we can. This counts as celebrating this year :)

Days 12 & 13: Wednesday, March 25 & Thursday, March 26

It’s true, it’s getting a bit Groundhog Day-ish around here. Sometimes it feels like the only things that change are the restrictions. But we’re trying to look close and not worry far. We explored deep into the valley woods around Etienne Brulé each of these last two days. We’ve baked (again). The kids have connected virtually with Guides and friends. I’ve done the same and it’s felt beautiful. The hardest part is not being able to escape this anywhere. Where could I go in the world to get away? Nowhere. What can I read about online? Only the virus. Who can I talk to to see what cool things are happening in their lives? We’re all in this together. But I guess that’s also the thing: we’re all in this together and for that, I take some strange comfort.

Day 11: Tuesday, March 24

Today was our first day trying to implement some sort of ‘schedule’ to our day. It sort of worked. It sort of didn’t. The ‘school’ part was the ‘didn’t’ part. The Zoom-enabled math tutoring and karate lesson were successes. But the new knock-off FitBits we got for the kids were the biggest winners: 12,000+ steps for each of them. Norah made a cake. We don’t need cake on a Tuesday, but this is life right now. Based on the flour and yeast shortages (worldwide!), we will bake away the pandemic.

Day 10: Monday, March 23

This was a hard day for a lot of people. You could tell the feeling over neverendingness was settling in. We just don’t know. Our city declared a State of Emergency. The Premier said most businesses would have to close by Wednesday. No one is outside, really and if they are, we all walk in wide circles around each other like suddenly we all have the plague. This pandemic has separated us so divisively yet also brought us together in so many different ways. I did an incredible workout tonight online, live with my favourite Studio. The five of us went for a neighbourhood walk and found beauty in the emptyness. I’ve never had more group chats and Zoom chats in all my life. Every day feels like 10 days. I’m wondering how we keep that up…

Days 7-9: Weekend Edition // Friday, March 20 to Sunday, March 22

We escaped our isolated city state for an even more isolated country state. We’re so fortunate to have that option, that is NOT lost on me. This was a long week. Endless in its uncertainty. Hope waning every day. Feeling like I could never escape the fluid boundaries of what are now home+work+school+personal time. They are all just one messy jumble and I’m not sure we’ll ever figure out how to really balance it all. But it was a weekend with new views, fresh air, pockets of snow, the smell of farm animals, no wifi, fresh eggs from our local farmer. It was an escape from the walls that bind us right now. We’ll probably be back every weekend for all of these reasons.

Day 6: Thursday, March 19

We are all home now (at least….for now). Two working parents. Two school-less kids. The dog who seems annoyed we’re here all day :) Today we broke out the forts under the dining room table. We baked (again). We played outside at the park as distant as possible. We waited for more instructions on how to change our lives (none came). I finally got back to my workout class (in the basement, live-streamed). Adjusting, slowly. This, I’m hoping, will be the transition week before we settle into some sort of weird normal for a little while. They’re saying it could be months. There is a lot of worry. Trying to think micro right now. Macro will always be there for me.

Day 5: Wednesday, March 18

The first tears came today (for me). I’m afraid to leave my house but desperate to get out. My kids need air. I need a break. We’re three days into the week. A week that will no doubt — as it’s looking — stretch for many, many more. More implored requests from Government to stay home. Stay inside. Wash your hands (ours are all cracked, red). So, we’re mastering the art of working and playing and eating and crafting and everything all under one roof. We’re not mastering being the best at any of it. Finding solace in the friends who are also struggling and making the decision to just do our damn best.

Day 4: Tuesday, March 17

St. Patrick’s Day. Totally forgot. By the end of today I felt like I’d lived a month in two days. I’m exhausted by the suggestions on how to make this time “the best” for my kids. I’m feeling simultaneously trapped and rudderless. Helpful and guilty. More places were shut down today. We’re officially in a State of Emergency. What is this movie we’re living? Went to bed early and spent and hoping tomorrow would feel better (it always does) :)

Day 3: Monday, March 16

Ok, so this is what the new normal is going to feel like. Long days trying to balance work and keeping kids equally engaged/educated/non-fighting. We did alright. We treated our house to Disney+. We did crafts. We rode bikes and played tennis against the wall of the school. We made a healthy lunch and fresh tacos for dinner. We washed apples for applesauce. We sorted more LEGO. We did our own thing. Did I mentioned I also worked all day? A neverending road is what this feels like. With more restrictions and more uncertainty coming every few hours. Trying not to feast on the news quite so hard. But it’s hard. So hard.

Day 2: Sunday, March 15

It always starts feeling like a regular day but by the end I’m exhausted from thinking about whether or not I’m just tired from the day or that I’m coming down with something. Being 100% aware of every tiny potential change to your health is so exhausting. But today we got out. We baked. We explored. We crafted. We made pizza and watched Minute to Win It together. We planned out our days for the upcoming week. We tried to feel free but still felt a little trapped. Every day feels like a week right now. Not bad, not good. Just big, heady, aware days.

Day 1: Saturday, March 14

The huge world — so much of which I’ve never seen — feels like it’s right outside my doorstep these days. Like we’re connected in united aloneness. Working together….apart. Reaching out, but not touching. Our lifetime doesn’t know this COVID-19 world. Are we only at the beginning? Are we close to the part where we know how this ends? Aside from figuring out where your next roll of toilet paper is going to come from, those are the biggest questions right now. And with everything — seriously, almost everything — closing its doors, I’m left with my family. My camera. A need to document what this new life looks like.